“I’ve tried online dating. It was awful. There are so many weirdos.”
I hear this a lot. And I completely understand why people can feel that way. Dating online can sometimes feel overwhelming, disappointing and, yes, occasionally a little strange. But I think we need to change the way we look at it. Because the truth is, you can meet weirdos anywhere. You can meet them in a pub. You can meet them at work. You can meet them through friends. You can meet them at the gym. Online dating doesn’t create weird people. It simply gives you the opportunity to meet a lot more people. And that can actually be a good thing. You are in control One of the biggest advantages of online dating is that you don’t have to give everybody access to you. You can have a conversation. You can ask questions. You can get a feel for somebody. And if something doesn’t feel right? Delete. You are not obliged to continue a conversation just because someone has messaged you. You don’t owe somebody a date because you’ve exchanged a few messages. And you certainly don’t have to keep talking to somebody simply because you’re worried about being rude. If you’re not interested, you’re not interested. “Thank you, but no thank you” is enough. And actually, when you’ve only just started talking to someone, you don’t necessarily have to explain yourself at all. Your time and your attention are yours to give. Know what you want Before you start dating, I think it’s really important to ask yourself some questions. What do I actually want from a relationship? What kind of person am I looking for? What matters to me? What are my non-negotiables? And perhaps just as importantly: what don’t I want? Knowing what you don’t want can be just as valuable as knowing what you do want. And once you’ve worked that out, be strict with yourself. If someone shows you something that doesn’t sit right with you, don’t make excuses for them because you like them. If something feels wrong, walk away. Your standards shouldn’t disappear just because you’re hoping someone might be “the one”. Don’t make every date an audition for a relationship This is probably the biggest change in attitude I would recommend. Instead of thinking: “I have to meet someone.” Try thinking: “I’m going out to meet someone new.” That’s a very different mindset. Treat a date as a social event. Instead of sitting at home on a Saturday evening doing nothing, you could go and have a drink or a coffee with someone you’ve been chatting to. You might not fancy them. They might not fancy you. And that’s okay. You might have a lovely conversation and realise you’re not romantically compatible. You might meet someone fascinating who becomes a friend. Or you might meet someone who makes you want to see them again. You just don’t know until you meet. I’ve had a very positive experience with online dating myself. One online connection actually became a marriage, and I’ve had many other successful experiences along the way. I think part of that has been my attitude towards dating. I never saw every date as something that had to lead somewhere. I saw it as an opportunity to meet somebody new. And that’s made dating much more enjoyable. You don’t have to do it constantly Another mistake I think people make is feeling that if online dating isn’t working, they have to keep pushing through it. You don’t. Take a break. You might spend a few weeks or a month dating online, then decide you’ve had enough for a while. Take a month off. Come back to it when you’re feeling refreshed and interested again. There is nothing wrong with pressing pause. In fact, I think it can stop dating from becoming stale and exhausting. Don’t give up because it hasn’t happened yet Perhaps you’ve been online dating for a while and you’re thinking, “This clearly isn’t working for me.” Before you give up completely, ask yourself whether it’s actually the dating that’s the problem — or whether your expectations of it need to change. You don’t have to find your future partner immediately. You don’t have to make every date count. You don’t have to force a connection. And you certainly don’t have to lower your standards just because you’re tired of looking. Stay curious. Stay open. Know what you want. Know what you don’t want. Pay attention to those red flags. And if somebody doesn’t feel right, walk away. But if somebody seems interesting? Go and have a coffee. Have a drink. Have a conversation. See what happens. Because you never know who you’re going to meet. And sometimes, the best thing about dating isn’t finding “the one”. It’s discovering that meeting new people can actually be fun. Change your attitude towards dating — not your standards Ready to change the way you look at dating? If this resonates with you and you’d like some support with your online dating journey, come and talk to me at Studio Intimacy. Sometimes a different perspective is all you need to approach dating with a little more confidence, clarity and curiosity. Studio Intimacy — helping you feel more confident in connection, intimacy and relationships.